When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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