Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
