I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
