FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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