you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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