I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
