just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
