So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
