i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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