Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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