I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
