If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
