dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
