Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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