I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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