I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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