Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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