Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
a search helicopter?!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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