There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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