Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
