DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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