proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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