what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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