4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
