I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
