I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
