If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
