I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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