You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
