What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
