I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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