It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
sarcasm needs its own font
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
