toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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