Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
