As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
