You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
