I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
