I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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