My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
