so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
