I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
