so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
