YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
