Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
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