I wanna passion pit in your ass
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
