Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
