at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
