Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
