Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
