So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
