She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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